


The Control Freak, the Narcissist, and the Liar

by CamsthiSky



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Gen, extreme sadness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-13 18:53:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7982407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CamsthiSky/pseuds/CamsthiSky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which there is arguing and Mikey doesn't know what to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I was practicing writing dialogue and this came out- whoops.

“You never listen to my advice and it always costs us, Raph!” Donnie yells, his fists clenching, like he’s just barely holding himself back from reaching across the table and _throttling_ his red-banded brother. “If you hadn’t jumped in like that, they wouldn’t have gotten away!”

Raph shoves an indignant finger in Donnie’s face that the genius bravely doesn’t back down from. “I told you before and I’ll say it again. I was handling it just fine before you dunderheads decided to crash into me!”

“If we hadn’t, you would’ve been clobbered!” Don is practically spitting now as he pushes away Raph’s finger. “Besides, at least we were _there_ to back you up! Leo didn’t even-”

“Leave me out of this,” Leo says, not daring to look up from his slice of pizza. “I wish I’d been there to help, but I was running an errand.”

The worst part is that Leo is lying, and everyone in the room knows it. But Raph knows it the best, his eyes narrowing in on their leader like he can glare the lie away. He can’t—both Raph and Leo are stubborn idiots—but that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to try. Butting heads is what Raph and Leo _do_.

“I’ve got a bone to pick with you, Leo,” Raph growls. “Way to pull _another_ disappearing act on us! Some leader you are!”

“I was busy!” Leo defends himself, but his voice is too high, too stressed to sound believable, and he isn’t fooling even a single turtle. Leo shifts nervously, blue eyes darting up to meet poison green before he chickens out completely and lets his gaze settle on the wall.

They’re all fighting and it’s _stupid_. They’re supposed to be a _team_. If one jumps in, the others back them up, keep each other safe. Because no one wants to lose any more family than they’d already lost.

And Mikey—he should probably step in, stop this train from completely wrecking, stop his _family_ from _splintering_. But he doesn’t. He can’t. He just sits there and watches as his family falls apart around him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got asked for a sequel to chapter 1 and this happened. There'll probably be more coming honestly. I actually enjoy writing about this and eventually it will be a lot happier. For now, enjoy the angst.

“Mikey,” Donnie whispers brokenly. Don doesn’t need to be quiet—there’s no point. No one’s with them in the lair anymore. Haven’t been for a couple hours now. But they’re both hurting, and the quiet is all that Donnie seems to have now. “Mikey, why didn’t you tell me? This should have been treated _hours_ ago.”

Mikey’s sitting on a stool in Donnie’s lab, his mottled arm held gently, reverently in Donnie’s hands like just squeezing hard enough will break Mikey into little pieces.

And Mikey shrugs. “I dunno,” he says dully. “Raph was mad, and you were mad, and you and Raph and Leo have been going at it basically since we all got home and I just-” Mikey breaks off, ‘cause Donnie’s face falls with each new word that falls from Mikey’s mouth, and Mikey had never meant to make Donnie look like that. Ever.

A few months ago, Mikey wouldn’t have hesitated to say something goofy and stupid, and Don would roll his eyes and say something about Mikey being an idiot, but he would be smiling—if a little bit reluctantly—and all would be right with the world.

But those days are long past now that Splinter is gone. Now all Mikey can do is try to avoid looking into those sad eyes all of his brothers carry around with them everywhere they go.

“You just what?”

“Forget it,” Mikey murmurs, carefully keeping his eyes on his own arm. “It was stupid.”

Donnie hesitates, but he doesn’t let it go. “Mikey, it’s…I know things have been rough lately, but you know you can always come to me, right?”

Mikey’s gaze sweeps over Donnie’s face, and Don’s expression is a mix of tentative hope and agonizing sadness, and it has Mikey’s heartstrings tying into a knot and prompting him to say, “’Course I know that, Dee,” with a smile that used to feel hollow and wooden until just now. “Who else would I go to?”

Donnie returns the smile, and even though it’s wobbly, it’s a small piece of what Mikey remembers having way back when they were still a family, and it’s heartbreaking.

“Let’s get you patched up, okay?”

“…Yeah. Thanks, Donnie.”

“No problem, Mikey. Just come to me straight away next time,” Donnie tells him. “Yelling at Raph and Leo can wait. _You_ can’t.”

Mikey nods. “Right.”

And he says nothing more, but there’s one piece of his family right where it used to be: beside him. And it’s probably the best feeling the whole entire world.

* * *

Mikey’s sitting on the couch when Leo finally comes back. It’s probably one or two in the morning at this point, and Donnie had sent Mikey to bed as soon as he’d tied off the last piece of gauze, telling him, _“No patrolling for a couple days, okay Mike? It’s not bad, but you shouldn’t do anything to aggravate it. Go and get some sleep for now.”_

So here Mikey is. Granted, the couch isn’t exactly his bed, but Mikey doesn’t think he can make it to his room when the lair feels so, so empty. At least on the couch he can see the light to Donnie’s lab through the crack under the door. And it also means he knows exactly when his big brother gets home.

He ends up scaring Leo.

Leo, the leader and admittedly the best ninja out of the four of them, flips on the lights and _yells_. Mikey just blinks at him.

 _“Mikey,”_ he hisses when he gets his breathing under control—so different from the way Donnie had whispered it earlier. He’s got one hand on his plastron and the other resting on a katana. “What the heck are you _doing?”_

Mikey shrugs, picking at the gauze wrapped around his hand. “I dunno. Don told me to go to bed, but I couldn’t sleep.”

Something flashes in Leo’s eyes that’s there and gone too quickly for Mikey to understand. He doesn’t try to, anyways. He stopped trying to a long time ago.

“Did you have a nightmare or something?” Leo asks, looking almost afraid to ask.

Mikey’s face twists. Besides his and Donnie’s heart to heart earlier, and whatever this thing he and Leo are doing is, this family has become arguing and lying and avoiding. It was the true nightmare here, and sometimes Mikey didn’t know how he lived with this. But Mikey doesn’t say any of that. Instead, he just settles for a small, “No.”

Leo sighs. “Mikey, please don’t lie to me.”

That’s rich, coming from Leo, who has done nothing but lie for the last couple months. He acts like he’s still leading, like he’s still in charge, but all he does is sit in the dojo and stare at his swords. Like if he stares at them long enough, he can make everything better.

Somewhere along the way, Leo started to lie. He pretends he’s Leonardo, their leader, but now he’s just Leonardo, a lost soul that refuses to go on patrol or eat dinner with his brothers or acknowledge that Master Splinter’s gone and he’s not coming back.

But Mikey doesn’t want to start another argument. “I’m not lying,” Mikey says. “I was with Don earlier, so I haven’t gone to bed yet.”

Leo blinks, and something settles in his expression—again, Mikey’s not really sure what it is. He doesn’t have mind reading powers; he can’t look into Leo’s head. So he lets it go. Again. It’s not worth more fighting right now. Maybe if it were earlier in the day, maybe if Mikey wasn’t so exhausted, maybe if his father were still alive and the lair still felt like home, Mikey would have. But it’s late, he’s tired, and Splinter’s dead, and Mikey’s wondering if this is what it feels like to lose the rest of his family while they’re still alive.

“Mikey, you know you can talk to me, right?”

Those words. So much like Don’s from before, but they’re all wrong. The expression, the eyes, the tone. It’s all wrong.

He feels sick. “I’m going to bed,” Mikey murmurs, picking himself off the couch. And when Leo just sighs, nods, and heads towards the dojo so he can just start lying to himself and everyone else some more, Mikey tries his very best not to run to his room and slam the door in frustration and anger and sadness.

He succeeds, but he wonders what would have happened if he hadn’t.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angst.

Mikey bursts into the lab in a swirl of chaos, just like he always does—well, always _did._ But Donnie had gotten used to the silence the lair carries nowadays, and the moment Mikey _loudly_ shoves through the door, Donnie jumps.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Mikey blurts out, clearly agitated. “This sucks and it’s stupid, and I _don’t know how to fix this!_ ”

Donnie’s staring. He knows he’s staring, but he can’t seem to make himself move. His eyes trace the angry path Mikey stomps through the lab; he’s probably looking for something to take his anger out on.

Which. That didn’t use to be a thing. Mikey angry. That was a Raph thing. Sometimes it was a Donnie thing, too, but only if he was running on less than two hours of sleep and out of coffee. Maybe even a Leo thing if he got irritated by being ignored before Master Splinter died. But it was never a Mikey thing. Never. At least, never like _this._

When Mikey slams his fist into the metal door of Don’s lab, Donnie’s done staring. He’s out of his seat before he even thinks about it, abandoning his broken toaster and rushing to his baby brother’s side, stopping another stupid punch to his very solid—now dented—lab door. He holds Mikey, and it’s very reminiscent of the time Mikey did this for Raph—another time all hope had been lost and they’d been down two family members—except Mikey doesn’t settle down and accept it.

“Mikey. Mikey, stop it. Stop,” Donnie says as Mikey strains against him. Donnie’s barely even breathing at this point, and he _doesn’t know what to do._ This doesn’t happen—has never happened before. “Mikey calm down and—hey! Mikey, look at me, okay?”

Mikey just screams in—Donnie doesn’t know what it is. It might be anger, frustration, sadness, grief, or a hundred other things, but one thing is made crystal clear. Mikey’s hurting and Donnie is doing a shit job of helping him out.

What is he supposed to even _do?_

“Mike!” Donnie yells again, heaving Mikey away from the door when the other turtle goes to punch it again. It’s a good thing Mikey’s a lot littler than him. If this were Raph, Donnie probably wouldn’t be able to do much. “Mikey! Stop it!”

Mikey struggles with him for a few more seconds, but as suddenly as Mikey burst into his lab and shaken Donnie to the core, the fight bleeds out of the youngest turtle, and then Donnie’s on the floor with an armful of a sobbing baby brother.

Donnie’s heart aches in ways that have become much too familiar lately, and he’s reminded painfully that he really doesn’t know what he’s doing. Mikey’s hurting, and he doesn’t know how to help.

They’re all hurting, all in their own ways, but Mikey’s hurt seems tangible in a way that Donnie has never seen in him before. And it isn’t just like he can scare away the monsters haunting Mikey so easily; Donnie is already struggling with his own grief. To deal with Mikey’s on top of that? It’d be near impossible.

But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try. This is his baby brother, after all. Donnie would take on the world for him, so what were a few extra monsters?

The sobbing tapers off, and when Donnie looks down, Mikey’s gone still. He’s holding his breath, and Donnie’s not really sure what to make of it. As far as Donnie knows, this isn’t normal, and Donnie knows _a lot._

“Mikey?” Donnie tries. “You with me?”

A shuddering nod is all Donnie gets in response, but it’s more than he was really expecting, especially with the glassy look Mikey’s got in his eyes.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“No.” Mikey’s voice is raspy, and the sound of it makes Donnie wince with sympathy. He was probably going to be feeling that for a little while.

“Okay. That’s okay,” Donnie tells him. He holds Mikey a bit tighter. “You, uh, you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. Just- Just know that I’m here and not going anywhere.”

Mikey mutters something along the lines of _“thank god”_ and turns his face into Donnie’s plastron. They stay like that for a long time, on the floor of Donnie’s lab, with a broken toaster sitting on his lab table waiting to be fixed.

The toaster can wait. Mikey can’t.

* * *

Donnie gains a little insight on what happened to Mikey hours later, when Raph slides the door to his lab open hesitantly, but honestly, it’s not insight he can really do anything with. The toaster is finally getting the attention it needs, and Mikey’s asleep on the infirmary cot, basically dead to the world. There’s a dent in the door from when Mikey punched it earlier, but besides a passing glance, Raph doesn’t bring attention to it. Instead, he sidles forwards into the lab like he isn’t sure he’s welcome, eyes sweeping the room.

Poison green eyes finally settle on Mikey’s sleeping form, expression crinkling in confusion at the closed off way Mikey’s curled in on himself. A pang reverberates through Donnie’s chest as he follows Raph’s gaze. Mikey is definitely not meant to look that small and sad, and Donnie’s about ready to screw the toaster and join Mikey on the cot.

But he doesn’t. He doesn’t do a lot of things these days, it seems.

Raph sits down on the stool next to him, and the silence that follows him in turns from somewhat comfortable to kind of awkward.

Finally, Raph speaks up. He looks hesitant, but hesitancy was never one to get in Raphael’s way. “What happened?”

“You tell me.”

“I…haven’t been here since Mikey finished cookin' dinner, so I don’t- I don’t know, either.”

The silence fills the air again. Raph’s shifting uncomfortably in his seat, and Donnie wonders what it was that he came in here for. If he just got back to the lair, then there was no way he’d heard anything but the always present silence, no way he heard it break with Mikey’s screams for just a few moments. That had been hours and hours ago, and it’s almost dawn now. There’s just no way.

Donnie sighs and gives in, abandoning the toaster for his brothers—a decision he would make time and time again.

“Did you need something?”

Raph looks alarmed and wholly unprepared, which is stupid, because _he’s_ the one who walked in looking for something.

“What d’ya mean?”

“I mean,” Donnie says, holding back a sigh, “you obviously didn’t come in here for a chat, Raph.” He drops his volume a little, eyes softening of their own accord. “You didn’t get hurt on patrol, did you?”

Raph cringes, and Donnie’s mouth tightens into a frown.

_“Raph.”_

“S’just a small cut, Don,” Raph waves him off. “I just came in here to see if you had somethin’ to cover it up. It’s fine.”

Raph shows him the underside of his arm, and…it _is_ fine. It really is just a small cut. Donnie fusses over it anyways. He cleans it out, and wraps it up with gauze, and Raph’s good to go. Donnie tells him as much.

“Thanks, Don.”

Donnie hums, and appreciates the fact that Raph stays right where he is. This is nice, now that he thinks about it. He has two out of three brothers here with him _in the same room,_ and whatever had been splintering between him and Raph, it seems to be patching itself up. Repairing itself. It’s a good, warm feeling, and Donnie doesn’t want to ruin it, so he stays silent, basking in the fact that he and Raph have been in the same room for over five minutes and haven’t had a single argument.

Raph’s gaze sweeps over Mikey again, and Donnie goes back to his toaster, appreciating that there’s something he _can_ do besides sitting on a chair staring at Mikey, feeling totally useless.

“Was it Leo?”

Donnie pauses and looks up. So much for the silence. “What?”

Raph gestures helplessly. “Did Leo do that? To Mikey?”

“Oh. I don’t- I don’t know. I don’t know if we’ll ever know,” Don says.

“What do you mean?”

Sighing, Don puts down his screwdriver and fixes his attention on Raph. “It’s…complicated.”

Raph looks severely unimpressed, arms crossing over his chest and hardness creeping back into his eyes, basically threatening all the goodness the two had accomplished in the past few moments. “Then uncomplicate it,” he says.

And Donnie feels familiar irritation whelming up inside him, because he _had_ been about to explain it to Raph. He isn’t going to leave Raph in the dark when Don knows Raph feels just as protective as Donnie does. But he swallows it down, and tries not to snap, “I was going to.”

There must have been something to Donnie’s tone because the tension bleeds out of Raph real fast.

“Sorry,” Raph offers weakly.

Donnie shakes his head. “I don’t know what’s been going on, but Mikey came into my lab a couple hours ago, and he was angry.”

Raph didn’t get it. “So what? Mikey gets angry all the time.”

“No,” Donnie says, “he gets _irritated_. That’s not the same thing at all.” Donnie doesn’t wait for Raph to respond to that. He keeps going. “He was…I don’t even know. He punched the door, and then he started screaming and crying. It took a while to calm him down.”

Raph scans Mikey once more. “It’s gotta be Leo.”

Donnie blinks, not really making the connection. “What do you mean, ‘it’s gotta be Leo?’ Leo hasn’t come out of the dojo all day, not even to eat. He doesn’t even _interact_ with Mikey anymore.”

But Raph’s shaking his head before he can finish, and Donnie really wonders what Raph knows that _he_ doesn’t. Raph’s not even home half the time, so how would he even know what happens with Leo and Mikey?

Donnie deflates when he realizes where his thoughts are leading. It isn’t the least bit fair. Raph may not ever be home, but it’s not like Donnie’s out much either, much preferring the sanctuary of his lab to actual interaction with his brothers, who are just as broken and shattered as _he_ is, maybe even more, now that he thinks about it.

It’s not their fault that everything is so messed up, and instead of building each other up, Don thinks that they’ve just broken each other down, again and again. And everything is so messed up.

“Don-” Raph starts, and Don just shakes his head, hiding his face in his hands and _pressing._

“What is _happening_ to us?”

If he’s expecting an answer, he’s severely disappointed, because all Raph does is shrug, sigh, and echo Donnie’s earlier statement. “You tell me.”


	4. Chapter 4

When Raph wakes up, Mikey’s gone.

Raph lifts his head, sitting up straight in the chair he must have fallen asleep in. He takes a look around the lab, hoping that the kid’s still there. No sign of him. Instead, Raph’s left with a slumbering Donnie, an empty cot, and a missing little brother.

Great.

He had to have been _really_ tired not to notice Mikey leave the lab without waking him up. They all got the same ninja training, and Raph is usually pretty good about keeping alert, even while asleep.

Well, that was before. Before he’d started running himself ragged, trying to escape his family and his nightmares and the crushing reality that threatened to encompass him the moment he stopped to take a breath. The only comfort he has now is that at least he’s better at dealing with all of this than Leonardo.

Leo isn’t even accepting that Splinter is dead. To Leo, it’s like their sensei’s just gone on an extended vacation and Leo sits in the dojo, awaiting the day Splinter comes back to instruct him again. Or at least, that’s what Raph figures, the way the guy’s been acting lately.

There’s a soft clang from the kitchen, and Raph knows exactly where Mikey is. He heads towards the sound immediately, leaving Donnie to his slumbering.

“Mike?” Raph calls softly, his voice gentler than it’s ever been in a long time. He walks into the kitchen, but doesn’t see anything resembling a turtle. “Mikey, you in here?”

Mikey’s voice sounds from the other side of the island, out of Raph’s line of vision. “Right here, Raph,” Mikey says, and his voice sounds kind of rough. Exactly like he’d been screaming his lungs out. Huh. He hadn’t believed him last night, but maybe Donnie hadn’t been lying about Mikey getting angry.

Raph leans forward against the island, trying to get a glimpse. Unfortunately, all he sees is a little bit of Mikey’s shell, nothing to give a clue about what’s going on.

“Whatcha doin’ down there?”

“Oh, I spilled some of the milk on the floor,” Mikey tells him, finally popping up with a milk-sodden rag in one hand and a carton in the other. “I was cleaning it up before it dried up and got all sticky. It’s a nightmare to clean once it gets all sticky, and we live in a _sewer_. Imagine all the rats it would attract.”

Mikey shudders dramatically, and Raph can’t exactly help the upward tilt of his mouth as Mikey rambles. It’s been a long time since the two of them had a something of a civil conversation, and it’s nicer than Raph remembers.

It should probably be concerning that Mikey’s acting so normal after what Raph heard happened last night, but Raph isn’t much better at confronting his demons, so it’s not like he can criticize. If Mikey doesn’t want to talk about it, if he doesn’t want face whatever he’s dealing with, if he wants to be goofy and happy and chatty, then Raph’s not going to stop him.

Mikey puts the milk back on the counter and throws the rag in the sink before he turns to Raph, grinning. “So, you here for breakfast or did you just want to enjoy my company?”

Even as Mikey says it, Raph knows the grin is almost strained, just a bit too tight, like he’s not sure that Raph wants him around.

Which is probably fair considering how much Raph has been avoiding the toxic air of the lair around Leo. Raph’s a lot of things, but he isn’t a liar. It hurts so much to be here, in the sewers, with his family. It hurts so much sometimes it feels like his chest is breaking open and he’s ripping into two. He knows he can get involved in his own feelings, too.

But when his little brother looks at him like he’s not sure whether he’s still welcome, it’s time to put his foot down.

Gently, for once.

So he keeps his expression schooled and shrugs. “Why not both?”

The grin Mikey sends him is blinding. “Cool! Yeah, okay, d’you want pancakes? Bacon? Eggs? No waffles since the waffle iron’s on the fritz, but I can make literally anything else.”

“Eggs an’ bacon are fine, Mikey,” Raph tells him, fighting back the smile that threatens to cross his face as Mikey flits around the kitchen. “Did Donnie take a look at the waffle iron?”

Mikey doesn’t stop moving, doesn’t stop preparing their breakfast, but his response comes about a beat too late, and that’s the only reason Raph knows he asked the wrong question.

“Oh, uh, Don’s busy with the toaster,” Mikey says, his enthusiastic tone deflated. “I haven’t exactly asked him about the iron yet. ‘Sides, he’s got a lot on his plate.”

But he could probably use the distraction, is what Raph doesn’t say, because it really wouldn’t help. Not right now. He wonders, then, how things got so tense between all of them. Where before Raph wouldn’t even care to say what he said, or how he said, and now he’s fighting himself to keep Mikey happy. Once misstep and it was over.

Or maybe not. Hopefully he could salvage this.

“Yeah, he probably does,” Raph says, humming lightly like he’s thinking about something. Mikey perks up at the devious lilt to his voice. “How ‘bout you an’ me give Donnie a hand, huh?”

Mikey laughs, the previous tension gone. “Sounds good, bro. Let’s ask after Don’s got so coffee in his system, though.”

Raph’s grimace isn’t completely for show. “Oh, yeah. Good call.”

Snickering, Mikey turns back to the eggs, and Raph vows to start spending some more time in the lair, especially if this is going to be the result. A happy Mikey makes the world go ‘round.

\--

“-and then Donnie just fainted. Right then and there.”

Raph snorts as he drops his plate into the sink. “Why don’t I believe you?”

Mikey huffs from atop of the island. “It’s true! I swear it is! You can even ask LH, if you _really_ don’t believe me. He was there, too.”

“Donnie does a lot of things around April, but I don’t think _fainting_ is one of them. He’s a nerd in love, not a wuss.”

“It happened! Oh, you know what also happened?” Raph hums, prompting Mikey to continue. “Me and LH were exploring a few of the tunnels this one time, and then there was this crazy-”

Mikey stops mid word, his mouth snapping shut with an audible _click_ as he stares hard at something over Raph’s shoulder. Raph, alarmed, moves his hands to his weapons and twirls around, only to drop his hands a moment later when he realizes who it was.

“Leo,” Raph says, something like distaste in his voice even before he can stop it.

And it is Leo. Their older brother is standing in the doorway, like he isn’t sure whether he wants come in or not. There’s something in his hunched body language that almost makes Raph feels sorry for him. _Almost_.

But Raph isn’t stupid. He’s had his suspicions about what happened to Mikey last night since before Donnie even told him what happened. The way Mikey had practically curled in on himself, only one of his brothers could do that Mikey. Raph should know. He’s done it plenty of times before on accident.

But the way Mikey closes himself off the moment Leo walks into the room confirms it. Leo did something, or said something, and he hasn’t tried to make amends, hasn’t tried to reach out to Mikey like he used to, like Raph always tries to do whenever he and Mikey are at odds.

It’s something like an unspoken rule in their family, Raph supposes. Never let things like anger settle between them if you can help it, and you usually always can. Even if you’re upset in the moment, don’t let it last. Always reach halfway, and most of the time, the one you hurt will try to reach back.

It’s a rule mostly for Raph, but it’s meant for all of them. Just because Raph gets angry the most didn’t mean that the others didn’t get upset, too. They all fight, but they’re brothers, and they stick together.

Or well, they _did_. It doesn’t look like Leo even tried.

So Raph huffs a somewhat calming breath, because fighting right in front of Mikey probably isn’t the best thing to do right now, and pulls Mikey down from the island. Mikey doesn’t fight him, but he doesn’t look happy about it, either.

“Where are you guys going?” Leo asks, and Mikey stiffens. But he doesn’t answer Leo, his lips still shut tight, so it looks like Raph’s going to have to take control of this situation.

“I’m staying in the lair for the day,” Raph states plainly as he throws an arm around Mikey’s shoulder, ignoring Mikey’s start of surprise—he doesn’t know if it’s his words or his actions, so he’ll save that talk for later. “So me an’ Mikey decided to do a round of video games and a movie marathon. Ya know. Some bro time, just the two of us.”

If Leo catches the hidden jibe, he doesn’t show it. Raph’s temper is threatening to flare at the lack of reaction his older brother his showing, but he can’t let it get to him. Instead, he steers Mikey to the kitchen door, around Leo, and toward to the pit in the center of the lair.

Mikey doesn’t say anything still, and Raph’s almost fuming at this point, but they’re away from Leo, so that’s a plus.

“So, how ‘bout we see if Don’s awake, yet,” Raph suggests, his tone gentle.

Mikey nods, and Raph doesn’t let his little brother’s silence get to him. Instead, he tugs Mikey closer to him and they start for the lab.

How Leo can do or say something horrible enough to silence Raph’s chatty little brother, Raph doesn’t know. But if he does it again, then Leonardo’s got another thing coming for him.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Mikey’s not _avoiding_ Leo. Or at least not actively.

He had been upset the other night, sure, but Leo’s his big brother and brothers are supposed to stick together. It doesn’t matter if it’s hard to look Leo in the eye. He’s not avoiding Leo.

And yet, it takes everything Mikey has just to stop himself from running away every time Leo enters the room. And the awful thing is, Raph’s _helping_ Mikey avoid Leo. Raph’s been cooped up for two days, and Mikey can tell it’s killing him, but Raph stays. And he stays for Mikey.

But out of all of this, the absolute worst part is that Mikey still has no idea how to fix any of this.

 _“You can’t fix us, Mikey. We’re not broken. You can’t fix us—can’t fix_ me _like I’m some kitchen appliance you broke.”_

Right. Not _fix._ Just…help. He doesn’t know how to help his brothers feel better, to help them start feeling more like themselves. Then again, he doesn’t know how to help _himself_ , either, so it shouldn’t be so surprising that he can’t help his brothers.

He wonders if he should even try.

 _“I don’t need you! I don’t need_ any _of you to look after me like I’m some child.”_

And that’s another thing. He can’t get Leo’s words out of his head. It’s going on three days since the two had clashed, but still Leo’s voice rings in his ears, always there, ever constant. They make him sad and angry and horribly defeated all at once, and as much as Raph tries, he can’t distract Mikey for more than an hour before the words come back.

He’s sitting on the couch again, staring at the blank TV when Leo comes in. Raph’s not with Mikey this time, taking a few hours breather up top with Casey, and Donnie’s in his lab again, so it’s just the two of them.

What absolutely _throws_ Mikey, is that Leo sits down on the couch with him.

“Mikey,” Leo says, meeting his eyes levelly. “We need to talk.”

“Uh.” It’s about as eloquent as Mikey can get at the moment. “Go ahead, I guess.”

“It’s about what happened the other night.”

Mikey looks away, his fingers fidgeting. “What’s there to talk about? I was wrong. You were right. We’re all dealing with this differently, and I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

“Maybe not,” Leo says. “But we should still talk about it.”

Mikey swallows, but he still doesn’t meet Leo’s eyes again. What’s _that_ supposed to mean? Is that not what Leo wants to hear? Does he want a more elaborate apology? Mikey hadn’t meant to say anything other than—

Not a good idea. He shouldn’t go there.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Mikey tells him.

“That’s not true, Mikey. There’s plenty to-”

Mikey turns back to Leo. “Then say it.”

Leo blinks. “What?”

“Say what you need to say and go.” Okay, so maybe Mikey _is_ sort of avoiding Leo. But only a little bit. At least he isn’t ignoring him. He probably couldn’t pull that off anyways.

“Mikey-”

“I don’t want to talk about this, Leo,” Mikey says, and he’s starting to feel that familiar stir of anger from last time. “But you do, so say what you need to, and leave me alone.”

So much for helping. He’s really terrible at this.

Leo’s face has gone blank, and his voice is cold when he says, “Fine. I get that you’re upset, but you didn’t have to stick Raphael on me.”

“I didn’t tell Raph to do anything,” Mikey argues. “Raph does whatever the heck he wants.”

“You obviously told him _something,”_ Leo insists.

His voice is sending shivers down Mikey’s shell, and while Mikey’s starting to get angry, Leo just looks blank and cold, like he hardly cares. Mikey wonders how badly Leo’s hurting to treat his brothers like this, and then the anger takes over and Mikey pretends he doesn’t care, either. He can be a liar, too.

(No. That’s not true. He’s been lying from the moment _“I was wrong”_ came out of his mouth.)

“I didn’t say anything, Leo!”

“He breathes down my neck every time we’re in the same room.”

“That’s not my fault!”

“He’s been sticking close to you ever since we had a disagreement.”

Mikey can’t believe this is happening. He turns away again, just enough so that he’s not staring directly at his brother, but still keeping him in his peripherals. “A disagreement,” Mikey echoes. “I don’t think I would call it that, exactly.”

“Oh yeah?” Leo asks, his eyes narrowing. “And what would _you_ call it?”

Mikey shrinks on himself. He hadn’t wanted to think about this. This is what he’d wanted to avoid, but here he is, arguing with Leo. And he’s losing.

“I was only trying to help.”

“I don’t _need_ your help,” Leo hisses.

* * *

_“Leo? Can I talk to you?”_

_“Shoot.”_

_“Oh, uh. Okay. So, I was wondering if you needed help with anything.”_

_“What do you mean? You’ve been cooking meals. That’s helping, right?”_

_“Yeah, but you’re not exactly_ eating.”

_“I’m not hungry right now.”_

_“You mean ever? Leo, I’m worried about you.”_

_“I’m fine.”_

_“But maybe if you let me help you a little, I can fix things-”_

_“Fix?”_

_“Well, you know. Ever since Master Splinter died…Leo?”_

_“You can’t fix us, Mikey. We’re not_ broken. _You can’t fix us—can’t fix_ me _like I’m some kitchen appliance you broke.”_

_“That’s not what I meant-”_

_“Then what_ did _you mean?”_

_“I just…we’ve all been distant lately, and I figured we could all use some time together. We’ve can help each other through this. I don’t think Master Splinter would want us to spend the rest of our lives moping around.”_

_“How would you know what Master Splinter wants?”_

_“Leo-”_

_“I don’t need you. I don’t need_ any _of you to look after me like I’m some child.”_

_“That isn’t-”_

_“Go away, Mikey! You’re not Donnie! You don’t fix things!”_

_“But I’m not-”_

_“Stay away from me!”_

* * *

 

He’d been tired. Tired of the silence, and the lying, and the arguing. And even though he hadn’t wanted to get involved at first, he’d realized that nothing was going to get better on its own. He needed to take things into his own hands.

So, Mikey hadn’t been wrong. He _hadn’t._ At least, not in the way it counted, no matter what he’d told Leo. But he also realizes now that Leo hadn’t been in a state to accept that anybody else can be right. None of them are doing great, but Leo’s the worst off, and Mikey can’t help him. He doesn’t know how.

So yeah, he wasn’t wrong, but he probably shouldn’t have tried to talk to Leo first.

Unshed tears burn in his eyes, and suddenly Mikey’s a million miles away from angry and a lot closer to hurt. He tries not to let it show as he says, “We’re _brothers_ , Leo. Even if you don’t need me here, I’m not going to just _leave-”_

“Maybe you should.”

Mikey stares at Leo, his lip quivering. “You don’t mean that,” he whispers.

Leo’s blank again, and that’s the moment Donnie walks out of his lab.

* * *

 

Donnie has the worst timing in history, Mikey thinks. Because the purple-banded turtle is standing in the doorway to his lab, frozen, staring at the scene in front of him. It looks like that big brain of his is rebooting without his permission.

It takes a second, but Donnie finally unfreezes and starts towards the two.

“Mikey?” he asks, and he’s probably noticed the way Mikey’s trying not to cry. “Mike, are you okay?”

Mikey clears his throat. “I’m fine.”

Donnie’s gaze swivels to Leo. “What happened?”

The sudden emotion in Leo’s eyes has Mikey scooting away an inch, and Donnie taking a step backwards. It’s an intense storm of anger and disbelief. “Why are you asking _me?”_

“You’re not the one crying,” Donnie points out, almost on autopilot, ignoring Mikey’s protest.

“So that automatically makes me the _bad guy?!”_

Donnie starts. “No, I just-”

“ _What_ is goin’ on here?!”

All three turtles turn, and Raphael’s standing there, eyes roving over all of them, before poison green settles on Leonardo. And now Mikey can see why Leo was confronting him about Raph. The angry turtle looks about ready to murder Leo. Maybe he needs some more time on the rooftops to cool down.

Donnie looks relieved, while Leo still looks angry. And Mikey, well. Mikey’s not sure how to feel anymore.

“Raph,” Donnie says. “Leo and Mikey-”

Leo turns back on Mikey. “So now you have _both of them_ turning against me?!”

Mikey cringes. “I didn’t say _anything_ to them!”

“He didn’t have to,” Raph says, dropping down next to Mikey, but while Mikey’s sitting, Raph’s in a crouch that looks _way_ too defensive, like he’s _guarding_ Mikey or something. “You’ve been actin’ like a real tool, Leo. Just lay off the kid.”

“You don’t even know what _happened.”_

“I don’t have to,” Raph snorts. “Whatever happened between you and Mike has had the kid miserable for days. Whether he was wrong or right, it shouldn’t keep you from tryin’ to be a big brother to him!”

“This doesn’t involve you!” Leo grinds out. “Just butt out!”

“You’re _insane_ if you think that I’m just gonna let you sit here and make everything worse for everybody.”

“Raph-” Mikey tries, but Leo cuts him off.

“How am _I_ making this worse?!”

“By cuttin’ yourself off from us like we’re not worth anythin’ to you!” Raph yells. He’s furious and looks about ready to punch Leo’s lights out. “We’re your family, Leo, but you act like we’re strangers livin’ in the same sewer!”

Leo scoffs. “I’m not cutting myself off from-”

“Master Splinter is _dead,_ Leo!” Raph finally yells out, and the resounding silence is like screaming in Mikey’s brain. He doesn’t dare put his hands up to block out the noise, though. He doesn’t dare move. “Splinter’s dead, and sooner or later, you’re gonna have to accept that. Just like the rest of us have.”

Leo looks like he’s just been slapped in the face, Donnie is cringing and not looking at anyone, and Raph. _Raphael_ , the turtle who has always had problems keeping a lid on his anger all his life, is still crouching defensively in front of Mikey, but he’s completely still. He’s calm, and he’s staring at Leo with an intensity Mikey hadn’t known Raph was capable of.

After a beat of silence, Leo finally slips away from all of them, and some part of Mikey quietly mourns his loss, because it seems the day they lost Master Splinter was also the day they lost Leonardo, and they hadn’t even noticed it properly. He wonders if they’ll ever be able to get him back.

Raph plops down next to Mikey now that Leo’s gone, and he pulls Mikey into his side, an arm curling around his shell. Mikey lets him, burying his face into Raph’s plastron like he hasn’t done since they were kids. And when the tears in Mikey’s eyes finally fall, they’re silent.

But his mind is screaming, because he’s messed everything up again, and he wonders if he’ll ever be able to fix it now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okaaaay, so. This chapter was hard to write for a lot of reasons, the main being that getting Leo down is almost impossible without conveying just how much Mikey is missing. Mikey's observant, but at the same time, he can also be really oblivious. so he's picking up on certain things, and also he's missing some things. All very complicated.
> 
> Anyways, there's only a few more chapters left, I think. Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this back in June. I thought I had already done it. Sorry for the wait.

Donnie’s working on the waffle iron when Raph comes skidding into the lab, out of breath and looking half-crazy with panic. It’s so much like a few days ago, when Mikey ran in, that Donnie’s on his feet, dropping his screw driver before he even really registers it.

“What’s wrong?” Don asks.

“Have you seen Mikey?” Raph shifts from foot to foot, looking about ready to take off at a moment’s notice as he waits for Donnie’s answer. “I can’t find him.”

“Last time I saw Mikey was last night, after that fight with Leo. He’s not in his room?”

“He’s not in the _lair,”_ Raph says, running a hand down his face. He looks stressed, coiled, like a snake preparing to strike, and it’s honestly scaring the hell out of Donnie. If Raph snaps, Donnie doesn’t think he’ll actually be able to handle it.

“Did you check with Leatherhead?”

Raph waves him off. “Leatherhead’s with the Mutanimals, and they haven’t heard from Mikey in over a week.”

Something heavy drops in Donnie’s stomach. He feels sick. “So Mikey’s missing.”

It hadn’t been a question, but Raph answers anyways. “Yeah.”

Donnie sighs and presses his face into his hands. Of course this would happen. Of course Mikey would run off. Honestly, Donnie’s surprised it hadn’t happened sooner, what with all the fighting between the four of them—three, really. Mikey hasn’t done much but sit around and look lost as his brothers scream at each other.

Donnie looks up and meets Raph’s gaze. He can tell that his older brother has no idea where to even start looking, and honestly? Donnie really doesn’t, either.

“His T-phone?” Donnie wonders. Maybe he can track it and figure out where Mikey’s gone that way.

But Raph shakes his head. “It’s in his room. Wherever he’s gone, he doesn’t want to be found.”

“Does Leo know?”

It’s a valid question, in Donnie’s opinion. Maybe Mikey and Leo had another fight and he’d seen Mikey leave. Or maybe Leo could psychically track him or something like Sensei used to be able to (That had been a thing, right? He can’t quite remember, and that scares him almost as much as Mikey missing does).

But apparently, Raph doesn’t think his question is worth much. “Why would Leo even care?”

That throws Donnie off, just a little bit. Because why _wouldn’t_ Leo care? That feeling of missing something is back, and this time he isn’t sure whether it’s _him_ or _Raph_ that’s missing something. Time to get to the bottom of this.

“Mikey is Leo’s brother, too, Raph,” Donnie says, trying his best to sound gentle and not as wrong-footed as he feels. He _is_ wrong-footed, though. “Leo’s hurting right now, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.”

“Yeah, he sure seemed to care when Mikey was crying his eyes out yesterday,” Raph hisses. “The bastard hasn’t even tried to be nice to any of us. We’re supposed to be a family and he’s _tearing us apart!”_

“So are you!” Donnie can’t help but shout. Because it’s true. He hates how true it is. He sighs and tries to regain some sense of his composure. “Raph, I get that you’re just trying to watch out for Mikey, but Leo needs just as much help, maybe more, even if he doesn’t want it! You can’t just write him off like that!”

“So you’re siding with Leo now?!” Raph spits, furious, and if this doesn’t feel like a week ago in the kitchen, arguing with Raph over being a dumb idiot and keeping their family alive and _together_ , or yesterday, watching as Leo tore Mikey apart with blame, he doesn’t know what does.

“I’m not siding with anyone,” Don says, trying to keep a tentative hold on the situation. “I’m just trying to stop you from blaming someone who is clearly lashing out because he’s hurting!”

“Get a clue, Donnie,” Raph says, shaking with anger by now, his eyes a dangerous poison green. “Leo’s not the only one hurting here!”

Donnie grits his teeth and clenches his fists. He takes a step forward, a rare urge to _yell_ his frustration out and hope it gets into his single-minded brother’s head rising up. Raph doesn’t get it. He’s _never_ gotten it, even after all these weeks without Sensei.

“You think I don’t _know_ that?!” Donnie yells. “Mikey barely smiles anymore. He doesn’t come to talk to me anymore, even when he’s injured or hurting, and it’s killing him to watch his own home become something else. I see it in his face every time I see him. And you! You never come home anymore, always punching your hurt into thugs or foot ninja, or smothering Mikey! And I have trouble even _leaving_ my lab, no matter how hard I try! We’re all hurting, Raph! We’re all sad!”

Raph stares at him, his expression crumpled up in pain and loss, and Donnie’s panting after yelling the sense into Raph. It had hurt to say all that, to say everything he’s noticed. The way Mikey walks around like a ghost, the way Raph’s never here or clinging to Mikey like he’s some sort of lifeline, the way Donnie can’t step a foot into the kitchen without getting assaulted by images of his dead father.

Leo’s been sad, too, and it kills Donnie to watch his brother carry on like Sensei is just out of town, or on an extended training mission instead of facing it like the rest of them. Leo’s hurting, and Donnie doesn’t know how to fix it. He doesn’t know how to fix feelings and emotions, and he hates it.

But he hates that Raph can’t get his head out of his ass and see that while his feelings are valid, while it’s okay for him to hurt, it’s okay for everyone else to hurt, too. They all need time to heal, and Raph antagonizing Leo, tearing Leo away from the family like he is, it’s not going to heal anything.

It’s only going to rip them further apart.

Donnie sighs and lets the anger fall away. Fighting isn’t going to help right now. What they need to focus on is finding Mikey.

“I’m going to ask Leo if he knows where Mikey is,” Donnie says, striding past Raph and into the common area. He calls over his shoulder. “If he’s not with the Mutanimals, he might be with Casey or April.”

Raph doesn’t move, doesn’t answer him, and Donnie lets it go. Donnie had given the turtle a lot to think about, so he’ll give Raph some space and talk to Leo, first. And if Leo doesn’t know, and Raph still hasn’t called April and Casey, then he’ll do it himself.

* * *

Walking into the dojo is a nightmare. Donnie wants to sink through the floor, too many memories in here. Too many times with Sensei and his brothers. The memories are sweet with bitter edges, because he knows that he’ll probably never have those happy times again.

“Leo?” Donnie calls as he steps into the room. It’s dark beside the glow of lit candles and incense around the picture of Sensei and his wife and daughter. Leo sits in front of the picture, and Donnie kneels down beside him, clapping his hands together and sending a prayer up to his Sensei.

He looks up after a moment, watching his oldest brother. Leo looks worn and tired, and Donnie aches to see him like this.

“Leo,” Donnie says again, and this time Leo looks at him. “Do you know where Mikey is?”

Leo shakes his head, and when he speaks, his voice is hoarse, like he’s been crying. “The last time I saw him was last night.”

So during the fight. The last time Donnie saw Mikey, too. That isn’t helpful, and seeing as Raph had probably spent half the night clinging to Mikey and then had gone out to beat up thugs and sulk on the rooftops, Donnie thinks that Mikey’s probably been gone for a while, and none of them had noticed until Raph had gotten home.

Great. Just _great._

Donnie sighs. “Will you come help us look for him?”

Leo shakes his head again. “I don’t think he wants to see me. I said a lot of…horrible things to him.”

Donnie hesitates, not really sure where to go from here. On the one hand, Leo might be right. Mikey might have run away to get away from Leo’s…corrosiveness. From all the fighting and the mean words Leo’s been throwing at him. On the other hand, maybe Mikey’s just feeling insecure and lonely and he’s looking for a way to deal with it outside of his family’s arguments.

“You don’t know that,” Donnie finally says. “You’re his big brother, and he’s hurting as much as the rest of us. Maybe he just needed some alone time.”

“So why are you trying to find him, then?” Leo asks, sounding like he’s honestly questioning Donnie and not being sarcastic. “If he wants to be alone, then why not let him be alone?”

“He didn’t bring his T-phone,” Donnie tells him. “He could be in trouble.”

Leo stiffens at that. “You really think so?”

“I don’t know.”

He really doesn’t. Mikey could be anywhere, but Donnie’s not going to rest until he’s found his little brother and made sure that he’s safe. He’s pretty sure Raph feels the same way, and Leo, even if Leo’s been lashing out at Mikey these past few days.

Leo’s quiet for a moment, before he says, “Okay. I’ll come with you.”

“Leo?” Donnie asks as they get to their feet. Leo stills and looks at him, his eyes glittering dark blue in the candle light’s glow. He looks so sad and helpless, like he did when he’d first woken up at the farmhouse all that time ago. “What did you and Mikey argue about?”

Leo blows out a heavy breath. “He wanted to fix things.”

Donnie blinks. “Wait, what?”

“Mikey,” Leo explains. “He wanted to know if there was something he could do to help me. To fix things. I think….” Leo doesn’t finish that thought, and Donnie doesn’t ask him to. “I told him that I wasn’t broken, but now I’m not so sure about that.”

“We’re all hurting, Leo, and you know that Sensei would say that it’s okay to feel hurt.”

“Yeah,” Leo says, running a hand down his tired face. “Yeah. He would. I just miss him.”

“He’s dead,” Donnie breathes, “but that doesn’t mean that we have to just forget about him, forget about each other. We’re supposed to be a family.”

Leo nods. “Yeah. We are. I’ll apologize. When we find Mikey. I wasn’t—I wasn’t ready to face it, yet,” Leo admits, glancing at the photo before them. “I didn’t want to accept it. I _don’t_ want to accept it.”

Donnie’s face twists into something painful as he remembers, and it’s like he forgets how to breathe between one moment and the next. It’s like Mikey’s wrapped him into a hug so tight that it hurts to try and draw breath, and Donnie can’t help but wish that his little brother really was right here next to him.

When he looks up again, Leo is staring at him, a sad smile on his face. “You okay, Don?”

“I don’t think so,” Donnie answers “I don’t think any of us are.”

“Maybe not,” Leo says, “but I promise that I’ll try to be better than I have been. It’s been hurting you as much as it’s been hurting Mikey, hasn’t it?”

“It’s been hurting all of us.”

“Then let’s go find our little brother and make it right,” Leo says.

Donnie shoots him a smile and they walk out of the dojo together, Leo blowing the candles out behind them and leaving the room in complete darkness. It feels symbolic for something that Donnie’s not ready to face quite yet, so he pushes the thoughts aside.

Another time. When he’s ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leo's POV is next, but don't expect the update to be quick.


End file.
